Zombie Santa needs a beer

As if walking the earth cursed for all eternity wasn't bad enough, I have to deliver presents to all of the kids of the earth as well. I'm tired. My rotting husk needs some rest. Maybe a formaldehyde shot or two.

Send beer and some of those undead elf-ettes in the short skirts.

Spreading the holiday plague... errrr... cheer

All credit goes to Gary of war. A little Zombie Santa goes a long way towards raising your spirits straight out of the grave. And not to worry, the glassy white eye can still see you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake. It also can spy into the depths of your soul, but only on Fridays or during a full moon.

Now excuse me while I go skin some reindeer...

Why do children cry?

This is the time of year that all children should be most excited about. Regardless of what you've heard, children both good and bad are about to be showered with gifts; toys, brains, candy, feet. It is all of the benefits of having a birthday, but without the hassle of having to invite people over and feed them cake. And the best part is- all of your friends get gifts too! What's not to love about this holiday?

Your parents will be cooking up a slew of tasty dishes like roast beast, mashed pota-toes, and steaming bowls full of multi-colored vegetation. All of the relatives that normally shun you will come to your house and pretend to like you and your family just long enough to get liquored up and belligerent. A lucky few will hear the clawing at the door of those that are damned to walk the earth for all eternity. It's X-mas, kiddo!

Now smile and wipe the blood from Zombie Santa's boots!

Zen Yoga is easy when you lack a mind...

Zombie Santa was very clever even as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Zombie Santa happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Zombie Santa asked: "Why do people have to die?"

"This is natural," explained the older man. "Everything has to die and has just so long to live."

Zombie Santa, producing the shattered cup, added: "It was time for your cup to die."

Ho Ho H- BRAAAAAINSSSS!!!

Now is the time of year when all good boys and girls should prepare their soft, tender, delicious brains for Zombie Santa. No amount of lethal weaponry can prevent me from making my rounds and visiting each and every house this year. No lock can stop me; no security system can detect me. I travel in silence, hiding in shadow and waiting until you are sound asleep.

I'm waiting for you. Sleep. Sleep and dream.