Rumble, Groan, Itch

Huh?

Whuzzat?

Sleeping? Yeah, I suppose so, but you have to understand that Spring is not really the best of seasons for the undead. It's a time for life to renew- not for death to renew. The ground is moist and full of worms- which tend to eat the delicate flesh of you-know-who.

So Spring is the time of year when the walking dead slumber, safe in their luxurious condos down in South Beach, waiting for the smell of tanned, wrinkled flesh to appear. You'd be amazed at how easy it is for the unliving to blend in down here. And I get to practice my New York accent.

Fuhgeddaboudit!

Think of the Children

Greetings, kiddies! You've probably lost interest in all of the wonderful toys that I delivered about a month ago (I know when you've been bad and good, as well as when you are ungrateful) and are looking for something fun to do. If you are a child that is anything other than a sniveling momma's boy, that fun most likely involves something that can be considered dangerous to either your physical or mental health. You precious little snowflake, you.

Why does this interest good ol' Zombie Santa?

Because of your natural curiosity, well intentioned adults will be swayed into making very poor decisions by those who act in the name of "the children."

• A ban on fatty foods? Sure, it's for the good of the children who can't help but stuff their faces with snacks.
• Want to play with a Jart? Can't have that, since someone might get impaled. We can't expect children to play safely. Too bad, sucker!
• Feel like reading a good book? Sorry, it has language that might damage our dainty flower's mind and make them act violently, promiscuously, or question authority. Tsk, tsk.
• Video games? VIDEO GAMES?!? Don't talk to me about video games!!!

Let me lay out some common sense from beyond the grave:

Life is hard. It isn't fair. And sometimes, you get hurt.

This is a good thing. Failure is the greatest teacher that you will ever have. If you try and hide from it, you will only prolong the inevitable and increase the calamity that you are trying to avoid. Sheltering your darling little child from the real world will ensure only one thing- that your child will be a malformed adult that is incapable of dealing with the real world. That's what childhood is supposed to be about- it is training for adulthood.

So open up, world! The best thing that you can do as a parent is to take responsibility for raising your child and helping that child become a functional, productive adult. You are the resource to help that child understand why you feel certain things are right and others are wrong. If you pretend that bad things don't exist, don't be surprised when your immature adult child is attracted to it once they are out on their own.

Don't believe me? Try this fun exercise: google the bios of porn stars (I'm sure you've already found their names and pictures, *wink* *nudge*) and see how many of them were raised in sheltered households by overbearing parents that tried to hide the "bad, sinful" stuff from their child.

Just stay away from the furry porn. It's scary, and should be banned. Think of the children!

(Art by Jason Chan. Buy his stuff.)
(EDIT: Jason Chan's print is now available to purchase)

Poverty is a Poor Idea

It's Blog Action Day, and this is a blog- so where's the action?

Blog Action Day this year is set to discuss the issue of poverty. So let's discuss: first off, what is poverty?

We know that the world is comprised of the haves and the have-nots, but in the middle of this economic crisis, it seems that the have-nots are an ever expanding group. This troubles me. I know what you're thinking right now (ZS has crazy, wicked ESP) and it goes something like this, "Why does a rotting pile of festive flesh like Zombie Santa care about whether or not people go poor?"

One reason: survival.

Poor people tend to get desperate, and desperate people tend to lash out at what they fear. Zombies are scary... Do you see where I'm going with this?

When I see hateful propaganda such as this for sale, especially in these hard times, I start to get the gooseflesh. Decayed gooseflesh, but gooseflesh all the same. I would never say that I am a proponent of censorship or book burning, but this book is an abomination to abominations such as myself, and I hope that you will join me in putting an end to poverty so that we can get people back to focusing on what is truly important in life- the pursuit of happiness.

Regardless of what you choice of happiness may be, you need to chase after it like it was a deliciously ripe brain, full of juciy, bloody goodness and thoughts of fear at impending death. That brain is yours for the taking if you are willing to smash through a few walls (and maybe a skull or two) if you should choose to pursue it.

The Reason for the Season

Happy New year!